Karma is a bitch

I have been struggling in my own head with something for a while now that I thought I had resolved.  I guess the law of balances decided to make it quite clear, however, just exactly how it works.

My belief system is set up around the idea that you take responsibility for yourself and your actions and you do so in such a way that you cause the least amount of impact, harm, or suffering on anything not-you involved.  No, I am not a perfect person, but I try my hardest to live by my moral and ethical beliefs.

I've been struggling with becoming a meat eater again due to my belief that I should be able to raise and kill my own food and my inability to kill.  I don't even have a really good explanation as to why I felt that way.  I just feel that if you are going to take a life directly to feed yourself that you should be able to honor that life by raising it humanly and killing it mercifully.  An awesome life followed by one quick bad moment. 

I've been struggling with the knowledge that given the opportunity to take a life to feed myself that I could not do it.  Even with the knowledge that this vegetarian diet was killing me slowly I still knew that if it came right down to it chances were that I would probably starve rather then kill an animal to feed myself. 

I had, I thought, come to the realization in my own head that if I could provide a good or service to trade for the meat I needed to survive that that would absolve me from doing the actual killing.  It would be enough that I could be part of a community, trading my gifts for someone else's.  I even almost believed it.  Almost. 

There was still a bit of doubt in my head.  It was something I strongly believed after all. I never could quite resolve it all neat and tidy in my mind.  I figured this growing season I would be producing enough to trade for some of my meat needs and I would be putting adequately back into my "community."

So, a week ago, I started eating meat again.  I made sure the meat I bought for my consumption was ethically and humanly raised and slaughtered.  I made sure that all my values were being upheld in what I consumed.  I did my research!  I still had this little niggling doubt in my mind that I was trying to resolve but I felt strongly that I was doing the right thing. 

I've started feeling a lot better this week.  My body needs meat aparently, but that's what I've thought anyway for a while now. 

I hit a deer with my car Thursday morning.  Three days after starting to eat meat again.  Three days after not quite really resolving my mind on the whole issue.   My car, which I absolutely loved more then most stuff in my life, was completely totaled.  My body was banged up, but I wasn't seriously hurt. 

I killed the deer. 

This is probably one of the most horrible things I've ever done in my life.  I will feel absolutely horrible and guilty about it for the rest of my life.  I'm not talking about the fact that I killed the deer, I'm talking about the amount of time it suffered before it died. 

I carry an extremely sharp hunting knife in my purse.  Unfortunatly, I didn't damage the deer enough to be able to get close enough to cut its throat with my knife.  I called the police to come and kill it with a gun, since I didn't have the resources avaliable to do it myself.  The policeman took almost 30 minutes to get to the scene.  Not more then 5 minutes before he arrived the deer died, having suffered, I am sure horribly, for far too long.  I saw the damage my car inflicted after the fact.  He really did suffer horribly. 

No, this was not my fault.  Yes, this was an accident.  I lost one of my favorite things in the world and watched an animal die a horrific and pain filled death by my hand.  I learned something about myself in the process. 

I can kill.

No, I will never be able to kill without remorse.  I don't think anyone who is not a psycopath could, or at least I'd hope not.  I can, however, make sure an animal that's been raised ethically and humanly has a quick and as painless as possible death.  I need to feed myself and by honoring the animal completely by the way I raise it and use the entire thing with no waste, I am honoring my value system. 

That deer that I killed is currently in my back yard being eaten by my dogs.  Whatever is left over when they are done will go in the compost pile to feed the plants in my garden in the future.  Everything will be used and I have learned something about myself in the process, this is how I thank that deer for its sacrifice.

I guess karma has a way of resolving things for you when you try to take the easy way out.  

- Fin

Distractions

I often find myself annoyed by the environmentalist type so caught up in what they're "doing" that they wonder around stomping on others without realizing it.  Often, they'll look at others doing various projects with a distinctive air of superiority reeking of smug.  There's a word for them: assholes.

For roughly 3 years now, I've been vegetarian.  Fin turned to the vegetarian path not long after for her own reasons.  And now, after 3 years of towing the hippy not-quite-vegan line, I'm scarfing steak, jerky, and chicken soup.  Well, sortof, I'll get into that later.

When making an active attempt to build/create a different lifestyle, it's pretty easy to get caught up in your own shit.  Next thing, a long look in the mirror and it's pretty obvious you've joined ranks with the asshole crowd.  I'd like to think 3 years of being vegetarian would be a net-win for the environment.  Now, it looks more like a distraction than anything meaningful.

Before jumping into the asshole camp again, let me say if that's your thing, kudos to you.  I've done it long enough to know how much it can suck living in a world tailored around veggies as side-dish only.  Going out to eat is near impossible, parties tricky at best, and often meals require substantial backup planning.  A vegetarian diet isn't easy.  Of course, you can look in the mirror and say - "I haven't supported factory farming today."

Well, not really.  You haven't support factory MEAT farming.  That load of chips?  Factory.  That veggie burger patty?  Factory.  That bottle of ketchup? ... The list goes on.

From a "sustainability" culture standpoint, Fin and I made some big mistakes while we were vegetarian.  Instead of meat, we ate meat substitutes grown with fairly traditional agriculture, occasionally slapped with an organic label, and then thrown into the super-market complete with easy-plastic packaging.   Making one big decision led us to cheating on hundreds of day to day decisions in food purchasing.

After some substantial discussion as to pro/con on being vegetarian and other general dietary choices, Fin decided to leave the vegetarian camp, and I decided to follow her.  We also decided at the same point to only eat meat after doing some homework to insure the farm treated its livestock with dignity.  In practice, this leaves eating out mostly vegetarian. I'll leave it to Fin (or at least another post) to fill in the details.

When researching local farms, farmers markets, and coops though, Fin and I saw the local community in a new way.    There's a fairly good number in the metro area dedicated to the ideas of local agriculture and sustainability.  Organic or no, a quick search finds multiple producers nearby.

Of course, we knew about the local farmers markets, but the reality of our food choices became clear.  Our vegetarian lifestyle didn't include supporting the local markets, it just continued feeding the Walmarts of the world more profits for overpriced 'organic' goods.

In short, sometimes multiple small and continued gestures can do more than a concentrated grand gesture.  Something to keep in mind for our next effort.

Finding the beauty in winter

My garden is all but shut down for the winter.  There is still a few edible green things out there but they are few and far between: turnips, kale, kohlrabi, and Brussels sprouts.  Usually this would be cause for a serious bout with the blues for me.  Not this year, this year I wanted things to be different. 

I used some cold frames to extend my season this year, but was only partially sucessful with that.  I learned a lot: cold frames need venting as much as possible or things tend to mold with all the moisture, even warm the lack of sun causes things to grow much slower, frosted tomatoes don't ripen off the vine.  I went ahead and closed down the beds that were cold framed a couple weeks ago and planted a cover crop in them. 

I'm making an effort to see the beauty in the winter garden this year. This isn't something I've ever done before.  I usually just walk away from the garden when things start dying back since the dying foliage usually depresses me.  This winter I focused on cutting down the things that were frosted and composted them in my newly built pallet compost bins.  I made sure that every square inch of bare soil had something covering it. 

This fall I brought in a bunch of composted horse manure and some composted cow manure to help build the soil fertility.  I planted cereal rye as a cover crop to build a deeper tith to the soil.  The cover crop came up nicely and is providing a beautiful green grassy look to the mulched beds of the garden.  I am excited to see what the soil looks like in the spring after adding all of this to the beds. 

The beauty of the winter garden is hard to explain to someone, but its there.  It's in the potential for the spring.  It's in the green of the last veggies holding on.  It's in the cover crop holding down and improving the soil.  It's in the potential new pond site, just waiting to be dug out. 

This winter is the first year I've ever been deliberate about trying to enjoy the season.  I decided to try taking a niacine supplement to hopefully help with my seasonal depression and it has helped so much.   I notice it helping in drastically upping my cold tolerence as well as my mood.  I've had the ability to see the joy in the season even when it gets darker every day as the cold intensifies. 

Winter solstice has passed and the days are gradually getting lighter longer and longer again.  Soon the promise of winters potential for growing will be realized and my favorite seasons will be here...but until then I will try to continue seeing the beauty in winter. 

Of course it helps that I should be starting seeds for spring soon too!

- Fin

2012 New Year's Resolutions

Well, it's that time again.  2012 is here, and I'm doing my usual "New Year's Resolutions".  Fin noted that my resolutions are really more goals - and I'm ok with that.  I'd rather have goals to accomplish than vague notions of things I'd like to do.

Anyway, here goes.

1. Pay-off 2 more major debts
Continuing with the "Dave Ramsey" plan here.  At some point, I'll chronicle the travails of Fin and I working our way out of debt.  It's been a long road, but the end, while a ways off, is finally coming into view across the horizon.

2. Make liquid soap and write some tutorials on Soaping
Mostly, this will be a challenge in obtaining potassium hydroxide.  Sodium hydroxide is fairly available at a few local hardware stores.  I'll also need to do a little bit of research into the differences between the saponification processes. I'd also like to write some tutorials on how to make soap, for other curious people.

3. Perfect 3 Chopin pieces
Right now, I'm considering Prelude in E minor Op. 28 No. 4, Prelude in B minor Op. 28 No. 6, and Nocturne in Eb Major Op. 9 No. 2.  I'm also experimenting with a webcam and mic setup, hopefully I'll be able to record and post some playing. We'll see how that goes.

4. Make Time-Lapse Garden Video
I've been discussing this one substantially with Fin.  The idea is to record a video of the garden over the course of a year, and post it to online.  Hopefully, with a soundtrack I've create myself as well.  This is going to be a rather involved project.  I've begun looking for materials / equipment / camera angles and ideas.

5. Play in a recital or public forum
Not entirely sure where / when this will happen, but I hope to work more on playing in public for 2012.  Since the start of 2011, I've gotten a lot better about dealing with performance anxiety and public playing. Hoping to continue this progress into 2012 and hopefully start looking at doing gigs the year after.

6. Take a few days off this Summer for some local vacationing
This is largely dependent on 2012 not sucking like 2011.  In 2011, many of my vacation days were used visiting sick family.  Still, I have a fairly good balance at the end of the year, even after taking several days off to see a wedding across country.  In the 'vacation time is meant to be used' vein, I'm hoping to actually take some time off this spring/summer to do local stuff in KC.   Current ideas:  Apple/Berry picking, helping Fin do garden stuff, Lake trail biking, maybe finally visit local museums.

7. Take a trip to CA. 
Fin isn't the only one that wants to see friends in CA - so if she goes I go (provided we can afford the tickets).  I'll be keeping an eye out for deals through the year, and hopefully we can figure out how to swing it without spending boatloads of cash.

8. Responsibly add meat back into my diet
After some considerable discussion, Fin and I have decided that we'll be moving away from a vegetarian diet.  The reasons and thoughts behind this will likely involve an entire dedicated blog post, but the summation is that being vegetarian doesn't fit well with our goals of being self-sufficient and sustainable. Fin will likely start before me, as I've decided to get a couple blood panels done before and after to see the effects of changing on my blood chemistry.

9. Eat out lunch only 1x a week and on special occasions
I must admit to a bit of an addiction to fast-food and eating out for lunch.  I think a lot of this has to do with being vegetarian and having difficulty packing decent, non-repetitive lunches.  Usually, Fin helps keep frozen lunches in the freezer, quiet often pastas and rice-heavy dishes.  At lunch, I generally look at these and find them relatively unappetizing - wanting something heavier / different.

10. Martial Arts / Gym / Park?
Maybe I'm kidding myself about this.  There's a lot I'm trying to figure out in what this meant to me earlier, what it means now, and why I haven't gone back.  I think the reality is basically the 45 minute drive across the city is too much for a class I can't afford financially anyway.  I do know there's some Tai Chi and Yoga classes about that are free/cheap.  There's also a few other martial arts studios much closer to home.  I'm also considering perhaps other forms of exercise now.  I do know there was a spiritual component to MA that was important to me.

I would add an "honorary" 11th, but that didn't make it in the list.  This year, I'd like to actually write about how these goals progress a little bit more.  However, I'm striving to make this list realistic and writing on this blog generally happens when I feel a need to broadcast something versus everyday events.

Happy New Year everyone and may your resolutions end up working out. :-)

The Folly of Modern Convenience

For over two years now I've been comitted to an every other week meat pickup that consists of the trashed meat from a major retail chain.  This is a twice weekly pickup, of which I only participate in twice a month.  The average size of the pickup is in the 1500lb range....every time.

Did you realize that those clean, tidy, non bloody, sterile, styrofoamed bottom plastic wrapped chunks of meat in the grocery store were once a living animal that had to die so you could have the convenience of popping in to your one stop shoping experience so far removed from the place that meat comes from that there are actually people out there that have no idea what meat really is?  I wish I was kidding. 

We were a society with a farm on every corner, a garden in every back yard, milk delivered fresh from the cow in glass reusealbe bottles , a society that knew the person who raised their food and the location of where it came from.  These days if you ask somene where food comes from they are likely to say "the store." When asked where the store gets it from they probably don't even know. If you ask the store where the food on their shelves comes from they are likely to name off one of only a few conglomerate food distribution companies...and have no knowledge of where those companies get that food from. 

Every time I turn around these days it seems like there has been another recall on some form of food that has been tainted in some way or another with bacteria of one sort or another.  Back when I started to keep track of all of this, back when I went vegetarian, it was only meat of one kind or another that was involved in these recalls.  These days it seems to be a little of everything.  Within the last couple of weeks a local man died from tainted cantelope.   Tainted cantelope.  Tainted....cantelope?  This just blows my mind. 

I've seen first hand in the last 2+ years how much food gets thrown away by just one major retail store here in the metro area.   This is just meat and processed meat products.  From there I can extrapolate easily the amount of fresh produce, bread, dairy and so called shelf stable foods get trashed as well.  Let me tell you that the shear amount of waste that goes on from each and every retail store around the states will absolutely blow your mind.  You truly have to see it to even imagine the scope of it.  This was, before it passed its "use by" date, perfectly edible food for human consumption.  I'm not even talking about the millions of pounds of food included in the recalls for one reason or another that is destroyed.  I'm just talking about the food that was shipped in from all over the globe so the average consumer could have the convenience of one stop shopping.  This is the food that gets too old to be either "pretty" or "safely eaten."

I have little to no sympathy or patience for the talk I hear about people starving either here in the states or around the world.  It's not that I'm not a compasionate person, that's not it at all. My heart goes out, it truly does.  However let's not fool ourselves into thinking that there isn't enough food in this world to go around.  I'm not even including the food each and every one of us lets go bad in our pantry, freezer, or fridge here.  I'm sure that adds up as well.  I'm simply talking about the food that every day ends up in the landfills feeding no one due to our cultures insistance upon "convenience."

So, for the last 2+ years, I've been picking through the meat only garbage of a typical major retailer for food for my cats and dogs.  99% of this food is either on the day of expiration or only 1 day past it.  Perfectly edible for even human consumption.  Yet, its trash.  Don't talk to me about people starving in this country, I've seen the reason.

This meat pickup that I've been doing for 2+ years is at an end, I won't be seeing the folly of modern convenience anymore going forward but you better believe that I will never forget it. 

- Fin

Downtown Denver Aquarium

I'm currently in Denver for a wedding so of course I had to go check out the local fish stuff! Too bad I'm a weekend early for the local fish club meeting :(

We went to the downtown denver aquarium yesterday evening and it was truly amazing. I took a bunch of pics from my camera phone and some of them turned out pretty awesome. The link is here if anyone wants to see them.

We also went to a couple different aquarium stores today that I would recommend if you are in denver, nice selections at both. Lots of plants at Fish Den AND they gave me the fish club discount with my HAAS card! They said they were low on plants and fish cause of the holidays and they STILL had a great selection! They had a ginormous flowerhorn there, biggest I think I've ever seen. Then: Some plants, a few unusual fish, and some neat salt stuff at Todd's Tropical Fish.

A couple of recent fish tank pics